First off = I’m delighted to tell you that Gemma has won the DotComGiftShop giveaway! Thanks ever so much to everyone who entered.

Readers who have been here since before December will possibly already know this but for those of you who are newer to my blog, last year I was absolutely hammered with postnatal depression and then had a hideously unfair situation to deal with at work THEN both Bob & I were made redundant from our jobs and we set up our own business. The events of the last year have brought me new levels of understanding – particularly of the phrase ‘a rollercoaster of emotions’ – as we’ve had the highest of highs combined with the lowest of lows and finally finally I am able to tell you all that things are going our way.

Two weeks ago I stopped taking my antidepressants because the side effects had become worse than the depression had ever been. I panicked, thinking that I was going to plunge into the depths of doom and gloom again but it never came. I have been second-guessing every reaction – Am I reasonable to be annoyed about the kitchen being untidy or am I overreacting because I’m withdrawing? – and I have been extremely self-conscious about speaking. Yesterday I trotted off to my LOVELY Doctor who said that she’s thrilled with my progress, that she thinks I’m through the worst of any withdrawal and that I am clearly in a better mindset than I was in November. That confirmation that there is really sunshine and happiness in my world was just what I needed.

So this week I have found my joie de vivre again. I have squeezed myself into size 14 clothes for the first time since I was pregnant with Nairn! I have been RUNNING (well… attempting to run, I managed half of the first Couch to 5K running plan), I’ve been walking with Penny regularly and I’ve been sewing & baking again. I am appalled to admit that until this week, I haven’t baked anything this year because honestly, I didn’t have the faculties to. Poor Bob has kept the house running, the children cared for and supported me in every way. He is the awesomest of awesome and I am so very grateful to have him. I’m also grateful to have you guys reading and commenting because it’s really meant a lot to me while I’ve been in such a slump. Onwards and upwards!

I kicked off by making and decorating some little cupcakes for the kids to take to nursery. They’re not the best or prettiest cupcakes in the world but I think they were well appreciated by my bambinos. Would you guys like a tutorial on making these?

I’ve ALSO been making bread for us. I really don’t like white bread – it sticks to my teeth and the roof of my mouth and feels like I’m eating wallpaper paste – so I’ve been making some lovely seeded wholegrain bread which even the children have been eating. There’s nothing quite like your kids’ judgement to make you feel like a domestic goddess (or not!)

I know it doesn’t sound like much but baking and exercising are two little things that have proved to me that I am getting better. I won’t pretend it’s not been a hard slog but I’m making positive strides in the right direction. Let’s see where the next six months take us

Posted under baking, me

So after my break away from the usual frivolity of this place with my post on feminism, today I’m going to break the mould even further and admit that the reason I haven’t been around recently is because I’ve been crippled with postnatal depression.

There. I said it.

That there? That statement? That has taken me a month to admit to myself and when my Dad took a day off work to come and talk to me last week because he’d noticed I wasn’t right, it was the kick in the bum I needed to go and see my lovely GP. In I trotted with the same clothes I’d slept in, one child with no shoes and a dirty nappy, one dressed in an older sibling’s clothes and one who was just being lovely albeit covered in bean sauce. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him, lovely as he was, so I handed over an entry I’d made in my livejournal and burst into tears. My GP was an absolute gem and listened to me instead of (as I’d expected) palming me off with a prescription for prozac and instructions to come back in a month. He even made me laugh, and interacted with the kids and just put my mind at ease enough for me to come home and give me the strength to do something about it.

As a result of that appointment I have been given enough of a boost to start dealing with the issues that are contributing to me feeling rubbish and I’ve had a few good days since. I have no doubt that I have a mountain ahead of me and there will be bad days ahead but I have the confidence and the support to see me through.

Besides – how can I not feel confident with little faces like this to keep me strong

Posted under me