A throwaway comment by me on twitter last night led to a really interesting conversation between about 15 of my friends list, split almost exactly in half. Half who agreed with me and half who thought I was being judgemental. The comment?
Now, the difficulty with making comments like this on twitter is the restriction of having 140 characters to make a clear, concise and considered point. I immediately faced fair criticism. “Not everyone can breastfeed” replied more than one commenter. “What business is it of yours?” asked another. Several told me I was being very judgemental. Each of them had a valid point and thus I wanted to explore this a little more both within the context of breastfeeding and within parenting at large.
Firstly, although I breastfed all of mine I didn’t feed any of them for the two years recommended by the World Health Organisation. Findlay fed for four months before starting solids – as was the recommendation at that time – and stopped breastfeeding at 6 months old when he discovered it came faster from a bottle. Nairn managed three months before I had to switch him onto a bottle to administer medication for the reflux that was steadily ruining our mother-baby relationship.
I have never been able to pump more than 2oz at a time and – exhausted with running around after a 4 year old and a fractious, pukey baby – I gave up. I never did get over that and constantly felt guilty about it until my vastly improved breastfeeding relationship with Greer gave me a little closure.. The longest I managed to feed any of my children was 9 months with each of the girls which I was pretty damn proud of, particularly because many of you will remember the battles that we faced – and indeed still face – with Erica’s health issues. Greer stopped breastfeeding when – like Findlay – she realised the bottle dispensed it more quickly.
I understand that breastfeeding can be hard and that for the most part, I had it easy. I persevered through cracked & peeling nipples, through sleep deprivation with a baby who fed all night, through being made to feel a failure because my baby wasn’t gaining weight. I persevered through it because – as we all do – I wanted desperately to do what was best for my children.
And now? My eldest son who was bottlefed for 6 months is a superhealthy genius. My second son who was bottlefed for 9 months rarely catches so much as a cold. My eldest daughter who was breastfed for 9 months is allergic to everything, has eczema and is under observation for suspected asthma while my youngest daughter who was breastfed for 9 months is never seen without a runny nose. Now I can read as well as the next person. I know that breastfeeding protects from breast cancer, promotes intelligence, increases physical contact between mother & baby and therefore promotes the emotional bond. In fact I’m almost certain I heard some self-proclaimed “boob nazi” types declare that world peace could be achieved through mass breastfeeding. You may have gathered that I am somewhat sceptical about the claims around the amazing power of breastfeeding – sure it’s great for the baby, designed specifically for them but I doubt any kid has reached the end of his education thinking, “Well I’m sure I’d have done better if only my Mother had breastfed me.”
I understand that breastfeeding versus bottlefeeding is a wholly personal choice. I have no issues with that whatsoever and I would never intentionally push my feelings towards breastfeeding my children onto another mother because it is a personal choice. Yet, when I saw a photo yesterday of a brand new Mum in hospital feeding her baby with a bottle I had such a visceral reaction to it that I went straight to twitter. Through debating it over last night I realised that my main issue was around bonding because for me, bringing my brand new baby to my breast and watching as my milk nourished and comforted was the “WOW. I REALLY LOVE THIS KID” moment. It was when it suddenly became real that I was a Mum with a teeny tiny person to be responsible for. It makes me feel really sad that the breastfeeding rates in this country are so low and the photo that I saw made me as a Mother feel frustrated at whatever had caused that mother to opt for breastfeeding. Again I will reiterate that I know not everyone can breastfeed but I struggle with the fact that some parents choose not to. I wonder what the breastfeeding rates would be if breastfeeding support was funded to even 10% of what is spent on formula advertising. Would things be different?
Is this judgemental? Well of course it is. I am making a judgement on the actions of another person based on no information or facts whatsoever. Is it a bad thing to be judgemental, particularly around parenting issues? I personally don’t think so. I believe that the vast majority of people are judgemental in some facet – whether that’s over discipline issues, what clothes our children wear, how they behave (and I don’t mean tantrumming) – and in fact, I’d go as far as to say that this parenting judgementalism is what individually encourages us to raise our standards of parenting. Who hasn’t seen a child being screeched at or smacked in public? I know I have and my immediate reaction is, “That poor child. I swear I’ll never treat my kids like that.” For me, the subject of feeding babies is a similar judgement and reaction. I can still remember the first time I ever saw someone breastfeeding – it was my parents’ friend “Auntie” Linda, breastfeeding her first daughter. I remember the bond between them being almost tangible, the two of them staring into each other’s eyes – and I compare that to watching my Mum bottlefeed my siblings and how clinical it seemed to be with little physical contact. Thus, when I see a teeny tiny newborn I feel a pang of sadness that this mother-child pair will never experience that intimacy.
So, what do you think? Do you think you’re a judgemental parent? Do you agree with what I’ve said or do you think I’m talking havers?
Posted under parenting
