I wasn’t really that surprised when almost every invitee to Erica’s party turned up. On the days when she goes to nursery there’s usually a gaggle of excited toddlers waving and shouting to her at the window and before she moved up to the pre-preschool room a few weeks ago (she is now officially a Cheeky Chimp) her toddler room-mates would chatter excitedly to me when I dropped her off. When we go to the park she always makes a friend no matter how dreich the weather and when we first met Amanda and Bron it took a matter of seconds for her to race off with her similarly-aged counterparts. She’s exuberant, effervescent and extremely high maintenance but is the most sociable of all my children. I wouldn’t say she’s more popular than the boys – they have a firm group of friends which tends to be close knit – but her circle of friends is wide and fluid. From my perspective of being distinctly unpopular as a schoolie, I’m enthused by the demand for her friendship but if course, this demand leads to supply issues.
In other words the dreaded birthday party.
Over the last 8 weeks Erica has been invited to no less than six birthday parties, all of which have been held at (an admittedly better-than-usual) soft play centre in a local pub. I should be honest here and say that soft play is an anathema to me – witnessing my children mutate from reasonably polite if excitable dwarves to puce-faced sweaty hulks sustained by chicken nuggets and fruit shoots is not my idea of fun – but they absolutely love it. Therein lies my first ‘concern’. If the kids have been invited to a softplay party, how should they be dressed? Party dresses simply cramp your style when you’re trying to clamber up wipe-clean plastic mountains, but on the few occasions that I’ve dressed Erica in a long tshirt and leggings she’s looked distinctly out of place. How do other parents do it?
Added to that there’s the financial obligation too. Erica was gifted some beautiful presents at her birthday party in May but since Bob & I have been self-employed since the turn of the year we simply don’t have any disposable income right now. As you can imagine, six birthday parties in eight weeks really hits the pocket. I don’t feel comfortable turning down invitations and so I try to stick within a budget of £10 for the gift with a card & wrapping paper on top.
This is where my dilemma lies. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I have some idiosyncracies when it comes to gifts being bought with hard-earned money. There’s nothing that angers me more than my kids breaking something they’ve been bought as a gift because I can remember all too well how long I could eat for if I had £10 while I was a single parent. For someone to spend almost two hours-worth of wages on something means a great deal to me and I want my kids to appreciate that, but I also want anyone I’m buying for to appreciate it too. Hence, I really begrudge buying crappy pointless toys as gifts no matter how much my kids beg me to. We all know the kind of toys I’m referring to – Gogo’s crazy bones are top of my ‘Vonnie hates these’ list, along with those revolting aliens in a plastic tub of slime which Nairn particularly adores – and so I usually resort to books or crafting kits to encourage parent & child to spend time together. BUT THEN I have the guilt for pushing my parenting ideals onto others.
I decided recently to let Erica pick the present for her friend, but that backfired spectacularly when she – who has a new-found love of gardening – decided that her friend J REALLY needed a massive strawberry planter from B&Q. I bought it since it was clearly a gift from the heart then bought a kite as an apology to his parents for handing over a bucket of mud to look after.
There’s got to be a happy medium, surely? Do other parents stick to a birthday budget? Do you have a policy about the kind of gift you’ll buy? Most importantly, what are your fashion principles?
Posted under family
This post was written by Vonnie on July 12, 2010
the soft play here have a dress code, no skirts, no leggings, must be in trousers. They also cant wear any jogging bottoms either.
i try and spend about 10 pounds as well, most of Rachels school friends all buy her clothes or ask what kind of thing she likes, so we get lots of craft/glitter based stuff.
£10 is expensive as far as I’m concerned! Craft kits, books or best of all home-made presents. And we love to get those things. I hunt for slightly unusual presents too – so recently gave a pottery whistle to one child who was distraught when it broke and I had to go out and buy a couple more and post them to her!
Soft play parties – def sensible clothing over party dresses, though can’t see what the problem with leggings and a pretty top would be.
Oh, and we make our own cards too. And sometimes our wrapping paper
(And I would love to get a strawberry planter. What a fabulous present. Makes a note
)
I try to stick to £10 for the pressie, and I have a stock of cards (bought one of those multi-pack boxes a while back) and giftwrap (usually something suitable for Xmas as well as birthdays) that hasn’t quite run out yet.
I have also been known to recycle pressies, for instance DD was given a pair of books for her birthday last month that she will not appreciate and will very definitely destroy.. so they will be given to her older friend M at his birthday party this weekend. (I def agree with not getting kids crappy pointless toys too, though since DD’s birthday haul also included 5 sets of buckets and spades.. when does useful abundance become pointless too?? LOL)
Does that make me a cheap old meanie? I just don’t want to see my daughter wreck a perfectly good present, and I know that M would love those books. If I bought him something similar, I’d be duplicating.. because I’d also end up hiding those books for a good year before letting DD loose on them.
As for clothes, DD probably wouldn’t tolerate a party dress at this stage.. though I do have one from an NNS that she should fit next year LOL! Mostly she goes along in leggings or shorts, depending on the venue, which is usually the beach or a local park anyway.
Depends on who it’s for but the nursery gifts are about a tenner and I tend to stick to books and jigsaws cos I’ve seen the amount of toys that get handed over. Beth has been invited to 3 in the last week just from nursery kids, shes got a better social life than me!
I don’t have the party dresses conundrum yet as the boys are fairly easy to dress for soft play parties – and £10 is really generous – my limit is about £5-7 *including* the card and wrap – in fact I usually buy a roll of wrap in the supermarket to stretch to a few pressies for different birthdays they go to and I recently bought a multipack of generic kids birthday cards for a couple of quid. Sounds mean, I know, but the amount of parties they attend costs a fortune!
ooh… this is a good one! I have a strict budget and £5 would be my absolute MAX and only if pushed. I have a present box that I try and keep topped up with likely gifts that I buy when I see them in sale/ happen across them. I find that tasteful kids mugs from charity shops (often 50pish) are good at the mo… quality china items and usually tick the ‘retro’ box for the parent. But quite happy to go with a £2.50 Mr Man book and still hold my head up high!
Wow a dress code for soft play? Lou tends to wear tunics and leggings or too small dresses and leggings
She has her very own fashion ideas so I’m not sure she looks ‘right’ but she is 5 so I don’t mind. I hate soft play too. Urgh.
I try to buy a gift for a fiver unless it is a special friend. I have two kids who have lots of parties…I keep hoping the kids will start to invite less people but it seems I am the only one to limit it to 10.Normally it is the whole class that is invited….generally I buy a book or craft things. I agree, sometimes I feel a bit bad but I bet the parent who bought my son a toy gun or the one who bought my daughter 6 tubs of glitter don’t so they get my gift and I smile.
£10 is crazy! I don’t often spend that amount on my own family members!
I totally agree about not buying cheap, plastic nonsense though, I’m so glad you feel the same.
I’d probably either make something or buying something handmade. I don’t think you should feel guilty buying a craft kit to try and encourage the parents to play with the kids. Surely they are imposing their parenting style onto you when they invite your kid to a tacky birthday party!
Anyway, I’m not parent just yet so I’m not one to talk. My views may change (though I’d be surprised!)
My thoughts on your comments:
Soft play – practicality all the way, ie leggings & t-shirts, party dresses are no good for climbing & sliding.
Present budget: Now that Kate is 8 & tends to only be invited to her close friends parties, I’ve upped the amount to £10, but up to aged 7, I spent a fiver, excluding card & wrapping paper. Both of my children are artistic & they do actually prefer to make cards, usually a drawing of their friend with a birthday cake or something like that. I buy wrapping paper from Asda, but when I’d run out once I did use brown paper & Kate drew hamsters on it, as her friend had a pet hamster.
I do foist my own parenting ideals on others via presents. I give books, craft stuff, gardening things & drawing things mostly. I have a present box under our bed with sale buys of items I like as & when I see them.
I’m finding this really hard this year Maisie is at pre-school, and we had 8 invites just in May this year, I’m really dreading when she goes to school. I think I’ll try to be a traditional bring them to the house, play pass the parcel & eat cake Mum, but there’s real pressure to have your party at a certain place which I just can’t afford.
For pressies we just bought a huge pack of blank cards for The Works, so everyone gets a handmade card, and Poundshop felts & colouring books seem to go down a treat too.
I was thinking of trying to come up with a parents charter to put to the PTA about birthday parties, as I’m sure most parents feel the same way but don’t talk about it.
Maybe a no presents clause or something, or is that just mean?
Vonnie, You do always make me smile… you write so beautifully!
As you know I am not joining the mummy gang officially until January but hundreds of our friends have children.. There is a charming kids book shop at my local high street and they stock all sorts of treasure so in the past few weeks I have bought some old personal favourites of mine, “Dear Zoo’, ‘The Tiger who came to Tea’,”The elephant and the bad baby’ classic! Where do people have space for all this stuff! Is it bad to ask people to only gift our child with minimalist stuff?
Owen – having only just turned 1yo – hasn’t quite reached this point yet but our NCT group decided to do one joint Jo Jingles (music) party rather than separate ones, which worked well and cost each family £6. We also agreed not to get each child a present and did a secret santa type thing with a budget of £10. It was a great solution
The other 3 or 4 birthday parties that he has been invited to for older children, I’ve just spent about £5 on either a book or a crafty activity pack. I think that’s what I’m going to have to stick to as otherwise it could get out of hand!
I have a limit of £5, and I sell cards so I always have plenty to hand (ditto gift wrap).
I am a great lover of the present drawer, and buy things on special offer to put away for whenever they’re needed.
As L’s peers are all turning 2, I tend to stick to books, art supplies or play equipment that doesn’t take up much space.
Oh, and we tend to go to soft play a couple of times a week so we’re well-versed in what to wear for everyday sessions. I did choke when we went to a bigger play centre one weekend for a party and the mums were all wearing maxi dresses and heels!
R has been to 3 parties for nursery children, none i had met before. One of them R hadnt even mentioned before :/ I got them a book & a craft kit each, i must of spent about £7 on each. I buy wrapping paper in bulk & cards in multipacks.
bargin – £15. I got him a card from his fave charater too. Also when he was round at my house the week following his birthday i had made him his fav flavour muffins 
The only time i would spend more is if it is a close friend. Last weekend was my closest friend sons birthday – we spent ages thinking about his present & got him a drumkit which was on sale
As for party clothes i always think girls running around the soft play with their hair done fancy & pretty little dresses look ridiculos – IMO thats not what soft plays are about.
£5 is my absolute maximum, and if it is just an acquaintance it can be about £2. Money is tight and I begrudge buying some big thing for a child who has invited the entire class etc.
Local shop has good crafty stuff for about £3 so I tend to go with that, and I bought a big box of cards a while back.
Party clothes depend on the party – dresses if possible, leggings and pretty top for soft play. The dude is always a shirt and decent trousers/shorts.
Wow! Thanks for all the comments!
I’m interested to see that many of you think £10 is excessive, I should perhaps revisit my policy! As for handmade gifts, I do for people we’re close to who I know will appreciate the time & effort rather than think we’ve been cheap.
I love the idea of the party pact though, especially since with 4 kids who all have birthdays within 3 months of each other we end up inundated with stuff that we simply have no space for. I shall put forward that proposal!
It depends who I’m buying for but I tend to ask the parents what their child would like. Usually gives me a good idea of what to get! I then tend to buy a bag (reuseable) and a card on top.
For my own daughter, I asked for 1-2 Little Miss books (if people asked) to allow her to start a collection.
I kept the budget to a fiver until my daughter hit her teens, and bought things in the sales after Christmas to last the year – Accessorize is a great place for that. After she hit 13 all they want is a box of Celebrations anyway….
The whole present thing seems quite a mine-field.. Among my ‘mummy friends’ I think we tend to give presents according to what we value so I reckon it’s normal to push your parenting ideals on others – e.g. I always include a book or some art stuff, another friend (a sports co-ordinator for the council) always gives sporty things. It’s different when you know the kid well and you have more idea what they actually like, but for ‘some kid in your child’s class’ parties it’s so much easier to have a formula! I’m too lazy to hold parties for my kids every year (actually DS has had one party when he was four and DD has had none) and they don’t seem fussed, but I suppose as they get older that’ll change.
The last party DD was at was at Peel Park (was that where Erica’s was? I *hate* that place, it makes me really claustrophobic, but the kids seem to like it!) and she wore a party dress purely because she loves wearing party dresses and she seemed happy enough running round in that.
I stick to a £10 max – less if I can get something I really like.
I’m a person who has to give a pressie they would be happy to recieve. The £10 guide has become a bit of an unwritten rule around our way. Pressie buying is a bit of a political nightmare really. I only have the one little one at the moment and lots of friends say please don’t buy for our 2nd/3rd as you buy for your son’s friends the first already which is fair enough. Others expect it and even ask you over for tea and cake at birthday time even though the child is 2 yrs younger and definately not friends with your little one!
To keep costs down I get books from places like the book people. Splitting big packs up – can be great for party bags too instead of all the plastic rubbish.
Cards I buy from a friend who is now pheonix trader so £1 a time.
I also try to ask people I am closer to what they would like as I am sure I am not the only one whose child has far more than they need already.
With my NCT we did a round robin buying…spent more per child but only one pressies and a pressie that was wanted. This has worked really well.
I also have a habit of organising a few of us to all club together to get a larger pressie – less money spent out and the mum gets a pressie they want.
I will also admit to vetting some of my own child pressies before he gets his grubby hands on them and either freegling them or recycling them to be used as pressie for others as he has more than enough already.
In my mind you can’t go wrong with craft bits and books. Always used and useful x
So I did all the currency conversions.
Like everyone else, I feel that 10 pounds is a crazy amount of money for kids and families you don’t know. For kids whose families I don’t know very well (like I don’t hang out with them), I spend around 7 pounds ($10 US) and for kids and families I know, I spend around 10 pounds ($15 US). I usually buy an experience like a gift certificate to the local paint-your-own pottery place, a coloring book and crayons, a puzzle with multiple solutions or a nice book and I constantly look at the clearance area of stores for present ideas if I know a birthday party is coming up. I try never to pay full price for anything. But it is good to have a standard present because then you aren’t wasting your time shopping for presents.
I buy the cheapest card possible because no kid I know even cares about the card and the cards always get separated from the gift. Or my kids will make the cards. Cards are such a waste of money.
For wrapping, if possible, I use paper lunch bags decorated with origami paper. It looks pretty, the materials are on hand and it is inexpensive.
Finally, I started a trend where I live. I request no gifts at our birthday parties. Because they almost always receive garbage and the gifts usually get tossed within a week. I hate that type of waste. Only the people who want to bring gifts, bring gifts and they are either homemade by the kids or thoughtful in another way. It works out way better, IMO.
obviously I have a boy so the dress thing isn’t a problem… except for that tiem when he was 3 and stripped all his clothes off at soft-play and then got stuck on the slide to the titters of the other mothers and my abject mortification.
we spend about £10 on birthday presents and that is begrudging on my part, I hate buying tat that will break and not be appreciated. the last party H went to I asked the boy’s mum what he wanted she said anything, and star wars, so we asked if we could get books and bought two DK star wars readers which dosent take space up wont get broken easily, and as the boy likes to red and didnt have any of the DK readers it went down well. H and I also included a fabric bookmark we made together and stamped with the birthday boy’s name.
my budget is £5 max – i let my son make the card i buy el cheapo wrap, if i have time i will make up a crafty set with paper/glue/glitter/stickers/diecuts etc i’ve built up a good selection of crafty bits over the years and pack them into a sturdy plasic folder.
)
personally i HATE crafting sets that you need to do with the kids and i hate softplay hell, our local one has deathslides so kids need to be wearing l/sleeved tops and trousers to avoid burns – i’d put her in leggings and a pretty tunic top and go pretty pretty with the hair things used to let my girl slap on a bit of body glitter too
Hi Vonnie
Righty ho – so many questions…
Budget: £10 is way too much, especially with a card and wrap on top. I usually try to spend approx the cost of sending my child to the party…so for example, if it’s at a soft play area and I know the cost of my child attending is say £5.99 then that is roughly what I spend, give or take. Does that make sense? And so a party at home, probably less. Saying that I like to go to places like Home Bargains (do you have these in Scotland? I have no idea) and even places like the Pound shops where you can (if you look) get DECENT things for your money, and sometimes some great bargains too! Gift wrap I get from Tesco, and I have a stash of cards already. Sorted.
Next question….clothing: I just let them pick what they want to wear. My five year old daughter will always want to wear a party dress, no matter where the party is held, but my son (nearly
will opt for jeans/joggers and t-shirt every time. Sorted.
What was the last question?
Oh yes, kind of gift? Ooh, tough one. I HATE crappy gifts and I HATE it when you say to someone, ‘oh what does he like?’ and they say, for example ‘Dr Who’. Right OK, so you spend money on a Dr Who toy he’s ALREADY got and you RUIN his birthday?! Hmmm, I think not. This recently happened, and I searched some of the Bargain book shops, I forget the name of it, and I found a massive Dr Who series manual (marked up at £14.99) for just £2. Admittedly it might be a bit old for the child, but my eight year old has a huge train book that he can barely read (even now) and he loves looking through it…I figure it’d be the same thing.
OOh. Long reply!
It depends on who’s party it is and how well we know ‘em… I think a tenner’s the MAX for a non-family member, certainly. Fiver seems more apt for friends at Lee and Morgan’s ages.
An aside : I like the Crazy Bones… It must be the collector in me, but I think toys that cannot actually be broken, and are well designed/cool enough to actually make it worthwhile collecting the set, that also happen to be cheap, are great.
Even better, though, are the Star Wars Galactic Heroes / Marvel Superhero Squad / Transformers Robot Heroes etc “Superdeformed” cutesy versions of the bigger ( And more fragile ) franchises.
You can get 2-packs for a few quid, right up to big playsets and they’re almost indestructible as well. ( I have to put “Almost” because Lee managed to rip The Mighty Thor’s arm off… Somehow. )
Or, obviously, books
We have those same cloud dresses for my girls , love them
.
We normally get arty kits from ELC or sainsbury , i try to think of something that my kids would enjoy playing with and that i would not find to annoying.
Clothes are always a tough one , we normally stick to dress/leggings but have a selection of nicer dresses reserved for it .
Top tip for cheaper birthday gifts – TK Maxx, they have lots in there and they’re bargains! Did start out buying books and craft stuff, but lots of parents I know now (6 yo DS) want toys the children can play with by themselves – polly pocket etc – not my choice though we do like Lego. I think once children get to 6 or 7 it’s more acceptable to take a few friends bowling or to the cinema, so that should make things a bit more reasonable!!
I’ve been trying to make gifts recently. I love to receive handmade gifts and really treasure the time and effort that has gone into them and I hope that our recipients feel the same way.
Ooh, a tenner is loads! I do a fiver, sometimes less if I can get something in the sales (for eg they had My Little Pony on buy one, get one free recently and vile as they are, little girls love them). I used to do gorgeous, thoughtful, creative presents. But as time has gone on (and I’ve become more jaded and generally crap as a parent) I’ve ended up going with whatever the children suggest. I loathe plastic tat like GoGos but my children adore them. Likewise my no3 is mad about a pack of cheapie little toy soldiers, and carries them around in his pocket.
Saying that, for close friends and family I do plan and make presents. This Christmas I’m planning to make almost all the presents. Which reminds me, I need to start planning!
I try to spend about £7 and we usually make the cards. Books and craft stuff are great as you can get some great cheapies which look like you’ve spent more. I’ve got Ava’s 3rd birthday at a soft play ( despite me saying i would never have one!!!!) and i’m also stuck with the dress code dilemma – a pretty skirt over leggings which you can whip off when you get there has worked for me before. Ava is so defiant and wants wear something ‘twirly’ to a party however as soon as she see’s the slides she forgets all about her clothes and just wants to get running ‘ twirl or no twirl x
We allow £5 for a gift, and I try to buy them in a fair trade shop. And when we throw parties, ours used to be the annual de-escalation in our group, because everyone else was January-mid-April and L is end of April, so theirs were all softplay or pool hire and ours was… at home, or in a totally empty church hall where we brought our own toys. More of her friends are having at home parties now though.
I can’t imagine softplay in a dress or with a dress code. My two have very few clothes suitable for active climbing and sliding and jumping play which are not basically leggings or tracksuit pants – I certainly wouldn’t want them doing that in jeans, which fit my children about as well as they fit me, ie not at all, with many uncomfortable bits and either too tight or fally-downy. Neither of them has jeans at present.
I have to say I think it is obscene the amount of money spent on children’s presents. I don’t buy them, I make them. Pencil rolls, purses for the girls, car rolls etc. The boys make cards and that is that. if people don’t like them them fair enough. You can also get good packs of books from the book people to split. I didn’t have a big party for Maxi, what would he do with all the tat that he was bought!
Clothes wise, my niece has some lovely dresses, my SIL just pops leggings under!
I am terrible at buying presents and nearly always end up buying a pack of colour pencils and a colouring book on the grounds that no child can do without more colouring pencils.
Soft play isn’t that popular here, due to a lack of easily reachable venues (we live in a really mixed area of both extreme wealth and breadline so easily reachable is a big issue) but usually the party family issue some kind of guidance – messy clothing, or whatever. Kathryn has a load of sort of pinafore type dresses, which can be dressed up or down with smart or messy stuff, which seem to answer most clothing issues.
When I’m organised, I stock a ‘present cupboard’. ATM I have in there some packs of markers, activity books, a couple of science experiment kits – for the older kids, a couple of action figures (My Little Pony & Spiderman), some picture books … none of which cost me more than $5 (3 GBP or so), yet all of which are worth more than that at full price. I also dip into the stock I keep from selling Phoenix Trading products – that gives me cards, wrap, and stationery items. I know it’s not quite ‘from-the-heart’, though if I have time I will pair something bought with something handmade, e.g. sew a library bag to go with one of the books. But it saves me money, and time, and none of it is $2 Shop crap that breaks right away.
Really great post! Firstly, for soft play party I think you are right, running around in a gorgeous party dress can’t be that comfortable and I’d be worried it would get ruined. In terms of kids presents, at the moment Wee Z doesn’t go to nursery so only parties we go to are those who very good friends. I tend to spend about £10 and then the extras for cards and gift wrap. I go to card factory for any cards or paper, it’s just as good but so much more cheaper even than some of the supermarkets. I usually ask parents if there is anything they need for the kids otherwise I tend to buy something I think I’d buy for my kids. I think Georgie has just given me a fab idea though for when Wee Z does go to nursery; a gift cupboard! Amazing!
Vonnie, you need to watch ‘My Child’s Big Fat Birthday Party’BBC IPlayer. It is totally crazy what some folks do for their children’s parties!
Between that and the Primary School Proms things seem to have changed majorly since we were going to parties. One of the local primarys near here has issued a ban on helicopters landing on the playing fields after an incident at the school ‘prom’ last year!
Hi Vonnie, I was just wondering why you think buying a book as a gift is pushing your parenting ideals on to others? It makes it sound like books are a chore, or something a child wouldn’t choose to spend time looking at. If your kids get given tat is that the embodiment of the givers ideals, or just a lazy or affordable gift from someone short of time (to be honest I tend to buy a book as an easy option)? I hope that first sentance doesn’t come across as too agressive, but I really wouldn’t read too much into giving someone a book (no pun intended!). I am rediscovering some of the books I had as a youngster and really enjoying reading them with my daughter.
Fortunately I haven’t had to deal with the multiple party scenario yet. This year the gang I met at ante-natal classes are having a joint party at someone’s house, we’ll all bring some food and each buy one present, that way all the kids will get one present. I think we have a limit of about £10.
As for an outfit, I think leggings and a groovey Kitschy Coo tunic can’t be far off the mark.