A throwaway comment by me on twitter last night led to a really interesting conversation between about 15 of my friends list, split almost exactly in half. Half who agreed with me and half who thought I was being judgemental. The comment?
Now, the difficulty with making comments like this on twitter is the restriction of having 140 characters to make a clear, concise and considered point. I immediately faced fair criticism. “Not everyone can breastfeed” replied more than one commenter. “What business is it of yours?” asked another. Several told me I was being very judgemental. Each of them had a valid point and thus I wanted to explore this a little more both within the context of breastfeeding and within parenting at large.
Firstly, although I breastfed all of mine I didn’t feed any of them for the two years recommended by the World Health Organisation. Findlay fed for four months before starting solids – as was the recommendation at that time – and stopped breastfeeding at 6 months old when he discovered it came faster from a bottle. Nairn managed three months before I had to switch him onto a bottle to administer medication for the reflux that was steadily ruining our mother-baby relationship.
I have never been able to pump more than 2oz at a time and – exhausted with running around after a 4 year old and a fractious, pukey baby – I gave up. I never did get over that and constantly felt guilty about it until my vastly improved breastfeeding relationship with Greer gave me a little closure.. The longest I managed to feed any of my children was 9 months with each of the girls which I was pretty damn proud of, particularly because many of you will remember the battles that we faced – and indeed still face – with Erica’s health issues. Greer stopped breastfeeding when – like Findlay – she realised the bottle dispensed it more quickly.
I understand that breastfeeding can be hard and that for the most part, I had it easy. I persevered through cracked & peeling nipples, through sleep deprivation with a baby who fed all night, through being made to feel a failure because my baby wasn’t gaining weight. I persevered through it because – as we all do – I wanted desperately to do what was best for my children.
And now? My eldest son who was bottlefed for 6 months is a superhealthy genius. My second son who was bottlefed for 9 months rarely catches so much as a cold. My eldest daughter who was breastfed for 9 months is allergic to everything, has eczema and is under observation for suspected asthma while my youngest daughter who was breastfed for 9 months is never seen without a runny nose. Now I can read as well as the next person. I know that breastfeeding protects from breast cancer, promotes intelligence, increases physical contact between mother & baby and therefore promotes the emotional bond. In fact I’m almost certain I heard some self-proclaimed “boob nazi” types declare that world peace could be achieved through mass breastfeeding. You may have gathered that I am somewhat sceptical about the claims around the amazing power of breastfeeding – sure it’s great for the baby, designed specifically for them but I doubt any kid has reached the end of his education thinking, “Well I’m sure I’d have done better if only my Mother had breastfed me.”
I understand that breastfeeding versus bottlefeeding is a wholly personal choice. I have no issues with that whatsoever and I would never intentionally push my feelings towards breastfeeding my children onto another mother because it is a personal choice. Yet, when I saw a photo yesterday of a brand new Mum in hospital feeding her baby with a bottle I had such a visceral reaction to it that I went straight to twitter. Through debating it over last night I realised that my main issue was around bonding because for me, bringing my brand new baby to my breast and watching as my milk nourished and comforted was the “WOW. I REALLY LOVE THIS KID” moment. It was when it suddenly became real that I was a Mum with a teeny tiny person to be responsible for. It makes me feel really sad that the breastfeeding rates in this country are so low and the photo that I saw made me as a Mother feel frustrated at whatever had caused that mother to opt for breastfeeding. Again I will reiterate that I know not everyone can breastfeed but I struggle with the fact that some parents choose not to. I wonder what the breastfeeding rates would be if breastfeeding support was funded to even 10% of what is spent on formula advertising. Would things be different?
Is this judgemental? Well of course it is. I am making a judgement on the actions of another person based on no information or facts whatsoever. Is it a bad thing to be judgemental, particularly around parenting issues? I personally don’t think so. I believe that the vast majority of people are judgemental in some facet – whether that’s over discipline issues, what clothes our children wear, how they behave (and I don’t mean tantrumming) – and in fact, I’d go as far as to say that this parenting judgementalism is what individually encourages us to raise our standards of parenting. Who hasn’t seen a child being screeched at or smacked in public? I know I have and my immediate reaction is, “That poor child. I swear I’ll never treat my kids like that.” For me, the subject of feeding babies is a similar judgement and reaction. I can still remember the first time I ever saw someone breastfeeding – it was my parents’ friend “Auntie” Linda, breastfeeding her first daughter. I remember the bond between them being almost tangible, the two of them staring into each other’s eyes – and I compare that to watching my Mum bottlefeed my siblings and how clinical it seemed to be with little physical contact. Thus, when I see a teeny tiny newborn I feel a pang of sadness that this mother-child pair will never experience that intimacy.
So, what do you think? Do you think you’re a judgemental parent? Do you agree with what I’ve said or do you think I’m talking havers?
Posted under parenting
This post was written by Vonnie on July 18, 2010
I think we are all judgemental parents, as we look around most days & see other parents making choices that we either agree or disagree on. Leading by example is something that I realise I am proud of. I am happy with 99% of my parenting choices, my daughters are happy, sociable, well behaved children & I do get a lot of compliments, which I must learn to accept more graciously as I do put a lot of effort into parenting.
I must admit that when I saw that comment on twitter last night I had to stop myself from responding. I wanted to breastfeed my 2 and I tried with both of them but couldn’t. I felt bad about it at the time but I don’t think our relationships have suffered as a result. Just because I wasn’t breast feeding didn’t mean that I didn’t have frequent skin to skin contact with them. In addition to this both my children are happy and healthy.
However, I am a judgemental parent and I know I am. I’m worst when it comes to schooling and education because that is where I hold my strongest beliefs.
Exercising judgment is part of what enables people to *survive*. The trick is distinguishing between that and prejudice. And with stuff like bottlefeeding, it’s important to direct one’s judgment in the right place – women who freely choose not to breastfeed (very few, I think) do so within a broader context, including that massive marketing thing – and the anti-breastfeeding backlash which is so obvious during National Breastfeeding Week, of course.
I don’t think women should be judged or made to feel bad about how they feed their child.
I’m a firm believer in my body, my choice and your body, your choice and that extends to this issue as well.
There is a lot of pressure on women in the UK to breastfeed and I think it’s ridiculous that if you want to look at information on formula you have to read a pop-up disclaimer first and that coupons are illegal. I’m sorry coupons are not going to make someone not breastfeed.
I could rant for a while, but I’ll leave it
The breast is best mantra is fine, but as someone who isn’t capable of breastfeeding due to my surgery, i felt i was belittled and judged really harshly on not being able to. Even though it wasn’t a choice, I wasn’t physically capable of doing so.
I judge on folk who spoil their kids, with a “if you behave then you can have sweets”
Oh this is a really interesting post,and thanks for writing it. I was one of the ‘you’re being judgemental’ ones on Twitter, and I’m grateful that you expanded your 140 characters (!).
You ask whether it’s wrong to be judgemental, and that’s a fascinating question. Not one I’ve ever really considered at length to be honest. I guess that we learn and make choices for ourselves/our family through observation of others, every bit as much as we do from ‘guidelines’ and reseach and all that jazz. I would say it’s not wrong to make different choices than others but, yes, it IS wrong to judge others for doing differently than you. Because, at the nub of it, by judging you are declaring that your choice is ‘better’ than others.
I breastfed my children. That was my choice and I was fortunate that it worked out for us. My cousin, who had a baby the same time as I had my first, bottle fed her son from birth. She said throughout her pregnancy that she didn’t want to try, she didn’t want to breastfeed because she thinks it’s disgusting and unnatural. The strength of her feelings were a surprise to me and, deep down, I felt a bit offended that she was effectively telling me, to my face, that my feeding choice for my child was disgusting and unnatural. But there we are. I made my choice, and she made hers. And our babies all thrived and we all lived to tell the tale!
Anyway, long comment, but I wanted to have a proper exchange since those 140 characters just aren’t enough!
Spud x
I believe breast is best. Our breasts were designed to produce milk. And I think it’s the natural and best way to feed a child.
That said, formula was developed to save those babies who’s moms could not breastfeed – for reasons such as sickness, death, or lack of an available wet nurse. And formula has saved many many lives and it’s wonderful that it did.
But something happened within society during the 20th century – we became addicted to convenience: disposable this, throwaway that, get out of the house doing dishes and spend some money! Formula became the norm because it was feminist. Why have a baby stuck at the breast all day when you can be out?!? But formula was never supposed to become so readily available and the preferred method of feeding babies. And when breast feeding becomes seen as the unnatural method, that’s when it gets sticky for me.
How a mother chooses to feed her baby is her choice. But no one will convince me that formula is as good as breast milk. It simply is not. It’s certainly not the evil that some “boob nazis” make it out to be though. It is a personal choice and I leave it at that.
I would have reacted the same.
I could talk here for hours about the things I have learned and the things advertisers and big business pay money for medical advisors to keep quiet about.
For the >2% of women who are unable to nurse their own babies there is a place for artificial ‘milk’ but the current culture of thinking that it a suitable substitute for breastmilk is dangerous to our personal and social long term health and well being.
But as with many parenting issues we have to have an ‘each to his own’ attitude otherwise life would be very messy indeed.
When I rule the world formula will be free, for those babies who can’t have human milk, which will also be free. If half the money that goes into formula went into making human milk available in eg NICUs, things would be very different.
I couldn’t feed any of mine. Huge boobs, no action, sheesh. I felt horrible horrendous guilt with my first. The midwives insisted that I try and that my milk would ‘come in’ (11 years later I’m still waiting for that moment.) Finally after she lost over a pound in weight I said bollocks to this and fed her a bottle – she drank 4 oz and slept for three hours the longest she had slept in 10 days. When I gave birth again a year later I had come to terms with my body’s inability and went straight to bottle. I also made my mind up not to feel guilty…that was the biggest battle. Personally I think the NHS and other orgs. like the WHO have a lot to answer for.
I agree with pretty much your whole post. I have an immediate reaction to photos like you describe. It’s not a ‘wow, bad parents’ reaction, I think the best description of it is feeling sad that baby isn’t getting that awesome colostrum and the unique bonding at the breast. It’s hard to explain. I get that reaction about a lot of things though – like birth photos where the baby is in bright lights and touched by all the cold hands instead of mum’s arms.
But I think everyone makes judgments. I’ve certainly been judged for breastfeeding my toddlers. I think its part of human nature, and what makes us a kind person or really a judgmental person is how we react to and deal with those snap judgments.
We’re all judgemental but I find holding the following belief helps: The majority of parents believe they are doing the best for their children.
Well, I tried breastfeeding Zack when he was born, but he couldn't latch on at all. (Turned out he was tongue tied and still is a bit). I can say that even though after 2 days of having a very hungry screaming baby I was very relieved when I 'gave up' and let him have a bottle. He calmed down instantly and rarely has been unwell.
Even though I didn't breastfeed him, I still had that feeling you talk about of the ““WOW. I REALLY LOVE THIS KID” moment”. I loved him from the second I held him and I honestly don't feel that would have been any different from if I had breastfed him.
Max was born with a tooth. I know it's selfish, but I wasn't letting that tooth anywhere near my boobs. I felt the same love for him when I held him as I did for Zack.
Each to their own. I wish I had been able to breastfeed them, but I had to think about what was best for me as well as the boys, and for me that just wasn't breastfeeding.
In all honesty, if (hopefully when!) I have another one I will go straight to the bottle. With the boys around (especially with Max needing more help than your average kid) I will need as much help as I can, and bottlefeeding means that will be easier to do.
The one thing that sets me off getting really angry is when I read about people saying they're not going to have their children immunized, but that's a whole other debate imo!
I’m not a parent, but we have a 2 day old and a 4 week old in our family now. The eldest is bottle fed as her mother smokes and she doesn’t think it’s good for the baby. However she still smokes around her children and whilst she was pregnant which is possibly why she had a tiny baby and I totally judge her for that, especially since a couple of days before the birth, my friend’s baby that had been born prematurely died at a day old which was truly horrifying and she in my eyes is a much better parent (not that it should happen in the first place). I am happy to say that 2 day old Alfie (my OH’s 27 year younger brother!) is breastfed with a much more sensible mother and I have a lot of respect for his dad’s girlfriend for this.
I'm not going into my BFing journey on here (perhaps I'll save it for a future blog entry…) as it's too long and boring, but a. yes I'm horrendously judgemental as a parent and b. I agree with almost everything you've said here on the bottle vs breast debate.
I try not to be judgemental, but then I have a really good benchmark for bad parenting – I used to work in a firm of solicitors who dealt with children where the local authority had taken children into care for their own safety – and also have a deep-seated dislike of the “concerned bystander” attitude that uninformed strangers can have, but I think everyone has a right to their own opinion.
Ramble-y answer to say, essentially, I think you have a point, and also that it’s a really emotive subject that people feel strongly about whether or not they have practical experience.
Sorry to do this through replying to you cupotea, I couldn't get my reply box to work :
anyhoo Vonnie: I think everyone is judgemental to some extent. I don't think there is anything wrong with having an opinion as long as it doesn't make someone else feel like crap and you aren't pushing your views/opinions onto other people.
I don't have a problem with people formula feeding as such, what I don't like is that breastfeeding is seen as unnatural and something to be hidden by a lot of people. I felt so uneasy when I was breastfeeding my eldest and I blame society's frown on breastfeeding in public for my nursing relationship coming to an early end (not that early, she was 7 months when it ended). Second time round I thought bugger everyone else and I did what I had to do to keep the relationship going (but Anara ended that at 8 months with biting as you know) so basically, yes everyone has the right to feed their child as they see fit, but the increase in formula feeding has caused a shift in how society feels about breastfeeding. Does that make sense? So when I see a child being FF, I don't think “oh that's sad” because the child is being fed something evil, I feel sad because that's one less person helping breastfeeding become the norm again.
I totally agree with you… I hated most every moment of beign pregnant due to the hyperemisis, I never had that pregnancy glow and a part of me secretly hated the alien growing inside of me making me so very ill, I still loved him but part of me resented it.. and when he was born I just wanted to do the right thing for him… thank goodness for the midwives at the hospital because I got the flu the night after I had had him and my milk came in and I was delirious. But a few days later H was feeding well and that breastfeeding time together was bonding time and I felt like a real mother a real woman, just me providing for my baby and loving him. I know it isnt easy for everyone but it was for me I could have fed dozens of babies and sometiems I did feel like a milk cow but the rest of the time breastfeeding was so important. I breastfeed H for 12 months when he went cold turkey and decided he didnt need a night feed anymore and that broke my heart.
So hell yes be judgmental! I dont think it is wrong to be.. its sort of a parental right of passage.. how else are we supposed to go on feeling that we are doing right by mour kids unless we see somone who isn't?
Besides Vonnie you are a superstar and are fully entitled to your pants of judgyness. *nods*
I–like you–think that breastfeeding is extremely beneficial for both baby and mother and definitely deserve lots of positive support. I had this opinion when I had my first child, but while in the hospital (and already breastfeeding my son) I was visited by a few overly aggressive breastfeeding zealots who really ticked me off. If I hadn’t been totally convinced I was going to breastfeed I might have been completely turned off by their approach. I know I was defnitely turned off by breastfeeders who seemed to think they were superior to the non-breastfeeders. I think positive, non-judgmental mothers who happily breastfeed and tell people about their wonderful experience will do more to promote breasfeeding than making even one single negative comment about mothers who don’t/can’t breasfeed (physically and/or psychologically). Continue to share your beautiful pictures of a very content breastfeeding mother enjoying her time with her child..that’s all people need to see to completely get the message.
I’m not a parent so cannot contribute to the questions you posed at the end but I did read! and being intrigued by the claim that breastfeeding ‘promotes intelligence’ I had a wee look around on my favourite blog for answers (a blog I think you’ll LOVE if you haven’t already subscribed).
From NHS behind the headlines:
http://www.nhs.uk/news/2007/november/pages/breastfeedingandiq.aspx
^is a bit on a story that did the rounds in the news and discussion about the actual study reported on.
but the important part I think:
“The results of this relatively small and preliminary study should not be considered as conclusive proof of the relationship between the FADS2 gene and the effect of breastfeeding on IQ; substantially more research is needed before this can be confirmed.”
2007. It’s possible there have been further studies I’ve missed? couldn’t find anything though.
- I DO understand there’s a long list of proven benefits, that one just sounded so WOW that I had to check it out.
I prefer to call myself PASSIONATE not judgemental. I agree, it is a right of passage. Becoming a mother entitles us to being passionate about our parenting decisions. You dont get to go back in time and being passionate and defensive comes with the territory.
Human milk for Human babies….
Liz
askthelactationconsultant.com
I’ve gone and judged myself!
I’ve tagged you:
http://transatlanticblonde.blogspot.com/2010/07/naughty-step.html
Great discussion starting post again Vonnie!
I bottle fed my first 2 and breast fed the second 2 and can honestly say that there was no difference in bonding,health or intelligence in any of my girls.
I agree that breast fed is the very best start for any baby but bottled milk is not toxic or damaging either. I think the issue is much broader that just the mum and baby. the wider family and social situation plays an important part.As a new mum with my first baby,the first grandchild on both sides, I was relieved when the doctor told me a couldn’t breastfeed (severe eczema meant topical steroids). The thought of having to sit feeding in front of my young brother or grandad filled me with horror! My hubby also wanted to take on an active role in the feeding of his baby.It meant my mum was able to help with feeding and give me a rest.She was also able to build up a very close relationship with them which was invaluable when I went back to work and she cared for them.
Fast forward 5 years and 2 babies later and breast feeding became much more appealing.With 2 young children,a hubby working nights and the school run to fit in breast feeding was much more appealing! No bottles to get up and heat!
However I don’t feel any guilt about not breast feeding the first two.I don’t think they or I missed out on anything.They are happy and healthy and doing well at school.I feel no closer to my last 2 than I do my first 2. I think the issue of mother child bonding is much more deep rooted than whether a child was breast fed.
I can understand your gut reaction to that photo and I wouldn’t say that is judgemental but I guess voicing your opinion in 140 characters does come across that way!
I have many standards that I set for myself but realise that it is totally unfair and futile to set them for others. Everyone has a history and a reason that makes them the way they are.It is not my place to judge without knowing the reasons behind actions even if I can’t understand them myself.
I think you should channel your passion into a different cause. Breastfeeding is in the best interest of babies that is for sure but it’s not fatal if you don’t do it. Again this is a debate that pitches women against each other. You have so much energy and passion which could be focused on uniting women not keeping us apart. Childbirth and child rearing is so difficult most people feel like they have been hit by a train and move into a coping strategy. I don’t disagree that breast is best – there is no doubt. But I am afraid, you are being judgemental and also maybe a bit angry – maybe we should ask why and how can we help? How can intimacy be achieved by other means like skin-to-skin. Women have enough to deal without us having a go at each other all the time. If the debate was more rational and less personal women wouldn’t feel so defensive and if there backs are to the wall if they can’t do it. Not everything is black and white – everyone is different.
I have trying to find the time to comment on this post all week .
I am a judgmental parent and i know it and i am not proud of it , breastfeeding is just something i beleive in so much – both for mother and child and is something i think every child has a right to . I get that it is hard and does not always work out but i don’t think enough woman try , how many mothers give up before even leaving the hospital – to me that is not giving it a shot .
Yes i am one of these people who honestly thinks formular should be made perscription only.
I was always going to breastfed no matter what , i prepared myself before hand and even when my first spent the first month in hospital i did not let it stop me . If she had not taken to it would i of continued ? I would of given it my best shot and a few weeks of hard work . I have never used formular and breastfeed till the child self weans (youngest still going strong at 22m) .
My kids are very healthy , the girls nursery teacher has even mentioned it before how they never pick up all the bugs going around.
When I was born my mother tried her best to breastfeed me. It wasn’t her choice that I ended up bottle fed from day one. Being 22 and a first time mom, she had no idea how to do it, and the nurses in the hospital weren’t helpful in the slightest. I wasn’t latching on properly, I couldn’t breathe, and all around her was this pressure to stick a bottle in my mouth.
In some ways she’s happy that I was bottle fed (dad could have a hand in feeding me) but ultimately she was a little bitter that the nurses didn’t put any sliver of effort into helping her.
The one thing about breastfeeding that bothers me are the moms who keep their kid on the boob until they’re 3 or older. At that point it becomes less of a nutrition source and more of a comfort source.
hi- just stumbled across your blog- love it!! You speak a lot of my thoughts! I’m with you on this one if for no other reason as to raise awareness of this issue and actually get people to think. I breastfed all of mine (6 incl 1 set of twins and a preemie) and it was a huge struggle sometimes but so worth it. It’s not so much a case of judging people who dont have a choice but encouraging those who are waivering to do one of the most amazing things you get to do. Breastfeeding is a fabulous bonding experience that I’m so glad I got the chance to do!
I completely agree with you Von; I might not be a parent but I know how important breast feeding is, to a mother and their child. Basically, the yummies that come out of a woman’s breasts will only be beneficial to a child for so long before they develop their own little immune system. But during the time where a child is at it’s most vulnerable, breast-feeding is crucial for the kid to develop a decent immune system.